Edinburgh Fringe Simulator 2020

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<<timed 100ms t8n>>It's January 2020. <<next 2500ms>>You, an aspiring comedian, have signed up to take your debut show to the Edinburgh Fringe this August.<<next>> Which, by the way, is 100% going ahead.<<next>> The coronavirus turned out to be a massive hoax, one that will go down in history as one of Banksy's bests, and has not affected the festival or regular daily life in any way whatsoever.<<next 5s>> Welcome to ''The Edinburgh Fringe Simulator 2020''.<<next 2s>> [[Click here to begin.|Introduction 2]]<</timed>>

Before you begin, you must choose your difficulty setting. This will determine your background, available funds and self-confidence, but also your comedic skill and career success to date, which will impact how smoothly the Fringe will go for you. If you are not experienced to the gruelling world of the Festival, I suggest you do not play the harder difficulties.<<timed 6s t8n>> [[Very Easy Difficulty]] [[Normal Difficulty]] [[Hard Difficulty]] [[Extreme Difficulty]]<</timed>>

You have selected ''Very Easy Difficulty''. <<timed 2s t8n>>You are the son of a famous TV comedian. You are Kevin McLintock and your father James McLintock is the host of his own Saturday Night light entertainment show and the star of the popular and critically unacclaimed BBC One sitcom, "McLintock's Having a Go!" From the age of 4 years old, your Dad has made it his mission to make you a comedy star. Now you are 24 and have been doing comedy for a whole 17 years, after being booked in to perform the King Gong at the age of 7. Although the rabid audience had no problem gonging a 7 year-old after only 45 seconds, the experience hardened you and made you into a bit of a psychopath. You go into Edinburgh with infinite wealth, connections and PR interest. You are also very handsome. In order to distance yourself from your family, you have changed your surname. You now go by the stage-name Kevin "MacKlintock". It's 2020 and after doing 16 back-to-back years of 40s at the Fringe, you are finally ready to debut. [[I would like to change difficulty.|Difficulty2]] [[Cool. I'm ready.|Statistics]]<</timed>> <<set $fullname to "Kevin MacKlintock">> <<set $firstname to "Kevin">> <<set $surname to "MacKlintock">> <<set $difficulty to "Very Easy">> <<set $mentalhealth to either(55, 60, 65, 70)>> <<set $selfconfidence to either(80, 85, 90, 95, 100)>> <<set $careersuccess to either(75, 80, 85, 90)>> <<set $skill to either(30, 35, 40, 45, 50)>> <<set $funds to 2000000>>

You have selected ''Normal Difficulty''. <<timed 2s t8n>>Your name is Michael Ratty and you are one of the hot new prospects debuting at the Fringe this year. You've worked hard to be where you are today, having started out in the open-mic scene in 2016 doing character comedy, you quickly realised that nobody likes character comedy and studied TV comedians to develop some solid mainstream material. With a strong 5-minute set, you placed in the finals of the Guffawing Simpleton New Act Competition in 2017. Since then, your profile has only risen, landing a spot in the Elysium Elites mixed bill in 2018 and doing tour support for the now unfortunately cancelled Adam Garand. Now, agents and producers are somewhat interested in your talent and your somewhat valuable backstory of "a comedian who is not rich or from London", and you have some options for who to back you for your debut hour. [[I would like to change difficulty.|Difficulty2]] [[Cool. I'm ready.|Statistics]]<</timed>> <<set $fullname to "Michael Ratty">> <<set $firstname to "Michael">> <<set $surname to "Ratty">> <<set $difficulty to "Normal">> <<set $mentalhealth to either(50, 55, 60, 65)>> <<set $selfconfidence to either(60, 65, 70, 75)>> <<set $careersuccess to either(55, 60, 65, 70)>> <<set $skill to either(40, 45, 50, 55, 60)>> <<set $funds to 2500>>

You have selected ''Hard Difficulty''. <<timed 2s t8n>>You are a female comedian. <<next 2s>>You are Sarah Sherman and started doing comedy 4 years ago at the age of 26 after matching with a "professional comedian" on Tinder, going to his gig in a pub basement and realising you are funnier than the sixteen men on the bill. Since then you've been trying to do as many gigs as you can while balancing your day-job as a runner on bad reality TV shows, where you are shouted at a lot. You like your material and go down well at gigs, but stepping on stage still makes you anxious, and you are tired all the time. You made it to the semi-finals of a few competitions and your biggest success finals of the Hilarious Females of the Year Competition in 2018 and since then have picked up a few friends in the industry, but generally agents and producers you mass e-mail consistently tell you that they want to see you but have so far been "unable to make your gig last night! hope it went well!" After doing a couple half-hours at the Fringe over the last couple years, you feel like you are ready to make the next step and do your full solo hour. [[I would like to change difficulty.|Difficulty2]] [[Cool. I'm ready.|Statistics]]<</timed>> <<set $fullname to "Sarah Sherman">> <<set $firstname to "Sarah">> <<set $surname to "Sherman">> <<set $difficulty to "Hard">> <<set $mentalhealth to either(40, 45, 50, 55)>> <<set $selfconfidence to either(30, 35, 40, 45)>> <<set $careersuccess to either (15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 50)>> <<set $skill to either(50, 55, 60, 65, 70)>> <<set $funds to 2000>>

You have selected ''Extreme Difficulty''. <<timed 2s t8n>>You are James Jones, a complete unknown comedian with nothing to say. Despite the fact you have done 5 years of open mics and over 650 gigs, nobody knows who you are. A quick google search of "James Jones comedy" comes up with your "Comedy CV" on Open Comedy and a Youtube video of one of your sets from 2016 that is badly lit and has inaudible sound. It has 36 views and 1 like. You describe yourself as an edgy comedian who has a dark sense of humour. Despite all this you have decided to do your first full hour at the Edinburgh Fringe this year and you think it's going to go very well. You are also quite unlikeable. [[I would like to change difficulty.|Difficulty2]] [[Cool. I'm ready.|Statistics]]<</timed>> <<set $fullname to "James Jones">> <<set $firstname to "James">> <<set $surname to "Jones">> <<set $difficulty to "Extreme">> <<set $mentalhealth to either(25, 30, 35, 40)>> <<set $selfconfidence to either(65, 75, 85, 95)>> <<set $careersuccess to either(0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10)>> <<set $skill to either(0, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10)>> <<set $funds to 250>>

Right. Hello $firstname. I see you have selected $difficulty Difficulty Level. Are you impressed how I know that? That's because I'm an excellent coder now. As a result of the character you have chosen you have currently inherited the following stats. Career Success: $careersuccess Comedic Skill: $skill Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 Funds in Edinburgh Kitty: £$funds These stats will affect your outcomes throughout the Fringe, and your overall goal is to get your Career Success as high as possible without your Mental Health or your Funds falling below 0. Good luck! [[How hard can that be in the Greatest Arts Festival In The World? Bring it on.|Rules]]

The game is split into two stages: the months building up to the Fringe and the Fringe itself. In the first half, you must secure a venue, get your marketing sorted, raise funds, book previews, and most importantly, write your show! Good luck! <<if $selfconfidence > 50>> [[Thanks. I won't need it|January]] <<else>> [[Thanks. I am very scared|January]] <</if>> <<set $january to 1>>

It's ''January''! You have 7 months until the Fringe begins. At this stage, your objectives are thus: - Find a production company to take your show up. Doing the Fringe is a brutal, hellish and expensive venture, and having a production company on your side will help you organise your marketing, while also making it even more expensive. It is, unfortunately, a necessity now. - Find a venue for your show. If you don't know how comedy works, comedy usually takes place in a room, especially without this virus nonsense going on. There are hundreds of venues in Edinburgh during the festival, and being in one of the more prestigious ones will help your show succeed, while some others are hotboxes barely suitable for comedy. Be prepared to roll the dice. - You need to put your show together. So far, you've got nothing - zero percent of a show. And you can't exactly just rock up to Scotland, declare "I've Got Nothing" and expect to have a good time. Time to hit the drawing board! What would you like to do first? [[Apply for venues|Venues-January]] [[Find a producer for your show|Producer-January]] [[Work on your show|Write-January]] <<set $producersecured to "No">> <<set $venuesecured to "No">> <<set $showcompletion to 0>> <<set $showminutes to 0>> <<set $showquality to 0>> <<set $excellentminutes to 0>> <<set $goodminutes to 0>> <<set $badminutes to 0>> <<set $skilljanuarystart to $skill>> <<set $selfconfidencejanuarystart to $selfconfidence>> <<set $careerjanuarystart to $careersuccess>> <<set $mentaljanuarystart to $mentalhealth>> <<set $fundsjanuarystart to $funds>>

Looking for a venue is actually very boring, and not that conducive to good video game design. It usually involves either: a) getting your producer to talk to different venues on your behalf; b) applying yourself, in which you have to fill out lots of information about a show that doesn't yet exist or c) performing a sacrificial ritual to the Edinburgh Gods using an old Fringe brochure and the blood of a Royal Mile street performer. Still, despite being boring as hell, the venue your show is in is very important, not just because of the technical specifications of the space, but it will also determine whether the other comedians look down on you or not. In Edinburgh, there are thousands of venues to perform at, but for simplicity's sake, there are only three chains you can apply to. More chains will be available in expansion packs and DLC. [[Elysium Theatres]] [[Hog Bucket Studios]] [[You Get What You Pay For Venues]] <<set $venuesjanuary to "done">>

<<if $careersuccess gte 55>>Fortunately you've already had some interest from various producers who've been waiting eagerly for your first Edinburgh show. It's a mere case of meeting with a few, seeing if they're the correct company to give thousands of your hard-earned cash, and then begging *them* to take that money off you. [[Contact Very Funny Productions]] [[Contact Chuckle Gang Comedy]] [[Contact Jackie's Cubs]]<</if>><<if $careersuccess lt 60 and $careersuccess gte 40>>Although you've never been pipped for star status, you have a couple producers' e-mails in your address book but they've been cold to you in the past. Still, it's worth a try getting just one to bite. [[Contact Very Funny Productions]] [[Contact Chuckle Gang Comedy]] [[Contact Jackie's Cubs]]<</if>><<if $careersuccess lt 40>>You've decided to try to find a producer. As an unknown your options are relatively limited for production. Sure, at times you have been within spitting distance of a live comedy producer while hanging out in Soho Theatre bar, namely the time Josh Peters from Very Funny Productions accidentally spat in your face as you brushed past him. Still, he might remember you. You must get in contact somehow. Here are your options: [[Search through the various Josh Peters on Facebook looking for the correct one|JoshPetersFB]] [[Type in random e-mail addresses using combinations of "Josh Peters" and "VeryFunnyProductions.co.uk"|JoshPetersEmail]] [[Hang out in Soho Theatre bar in the hopes of being a grateful recipient of his saliva once again|JoshPetersSoho]]<</if>> <<set $producerjanuary to "done">>

You've chosen to focus on the content of your show. Creating a full hour-long Edinburgh show is no easy task, and it's hard to know where to start. You do have some old material to springboard off, or you could just start writing and see what happens. [[Go through your existing material.|Write-Existing-Material]] [[Start writing.|WriteNew-January]] [[Watch some comedy shows on Netflix.|Netflix-January]] <<set $writejanuary to "done">>

Very Funny Productions are a relatively new company, and their reputation is mixed. Josh Peters, the founder, seems like a nice enough guy, and he is always seen in Soho Theatre Bar drinking with comedians, so how bad can he be? They are far from anyone's first choice but definitely better than having no one backing you at all, or so you assume. They were attached to a couple good shows at last year's Edinburgh, but they also produced the notoriously distratrous sketch show "Just a Couple of Lads", an 7-member all-male sketch group that was universally panned by critics and more importantly, Fringe audience reviews. Still, you think to yourself, everyone makes mistakes right? Who could have predicted that this testosterone-heavy group whose flagship sketch is titled "Sperm Balloons" could be so overwhelmingly panned? [[I think they sound like the right fit.|JoshPetersContact]] [[That is awful, but chances are if they'll take that, they'll take me.|JoshPetersContact]] [[Can you show me my other options again?|Producer-January]]

Chuckle Gang Comedy have been around for years. They are the most generic comedy production comedy you can find. You have one of their Fringe booklets from 2019 Edinburgh lying around still and it's filled with adverts for the most generic shows by the most generic comedians you've ever seen. Flipping through the booklet, you land on a flyer for Rob Robertson, who did a show last year called "Confused?", and the blurb reads: "Rob Robertson is CONFUSED. Join Rob for a whirlwind hour about his trials and tribulations of life, love and politics. Now in his twelfth year at the Fringe, Rob is more confused than ever! All he wants is a laugh, but the world just seems to get more confusing? Guffawing Simpleton Semi-finalist 2013." [[Flip through the brochure some more|Chuckle2]] [[They may be generic but at least they have producer backing. Sign me up!|ChuckleContact]] [[Can you show me my other options again?|Producer-January]]

Jackie's Cubs is one of the most prestigious productions companies there. Every comedian talks about being produced by them, as not only are they a way in to get into a top-tier venue, but their acts are all very cool and if you manage to snag them, you will ALSO be seen as cool. Jackie Tong herself is an incredibly intimidating figure. Only 29 years of age, she built her production company out of nothing in the space of three years. Now, she has an incredible reputation amongst comedians as not only an efficient producer, but a very useful collaborator in all forms. There is a sense she knows exactly how to turn a mediocre show into a spectacular one. Every comedian dreams of being produced under the Jackie's Cubs banner. Be warned though. She has very specific philosophies about what comedy should be, and if she doesn't think you're up to scratch, she will tell you. [[I would like to try and get Jackie's Cubs to produce my show.|JackieContact]] [[Can you show me my other options again?|Producer-January]]

Right, you sit down at your laptop and open up Facebook. You gloss over the fact you have 50 notifications from various comedians asking you to like their page and dart straight to the search bar. You type in Josh Peters and your quest begins. The Facebook search page throws back an absolute smorgasbord of Josh Peterses, ranging from the generic white guy Josh Peters to the bald white guy Josh Peters. Facebook doesn't tell you how many search results you've returned, but you imagine it's in the thousands. You click on the first Josh Peters there is. Yuck. An anti-immigration meme is his top post. This probably isn't him, you decide, and even if it were him, you wouldn't want to work with him anyway. Unless...? No, this is not time for a debate on ethics - that comes later when you find out your real producer is actually a racist. You keep on looking, one profile at a time. You've already seen way too many baby photos belonging to parents that are not only strangers to you, but they merely share the same name of someone who at this point is also a stranger to you. [[This is a great use of my time! Let's keep going!|JoshPetersFB2]] [[Try contacting a different way.|ContactJoshPeters]]

Ah, the old "typing in various combinations of e-mail local-parts and domains hoping to not receive a bounce back message" routine, one of the oldest tricks in the cold-calling book. You draft a basic greeting e-mail with all the usual pleasantries, not forgetting to pull on the heart strings by mentioning the spitting incident, and you're ready to go. Which of the following e-mail addresses would you like to try? [[joshpeters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[josh.peters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[jpeters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[j.peters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[joshp@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[josh.p@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[jp@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[josh_peters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[j_peters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[jaypizzle@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[joshuapeters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[joshua_peters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[joshua@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[jpeters1337@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|CorrectEmail]] [[joshywoshy@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[joshingaround@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[jo@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[joshhhhhhhhh@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[j_dawg@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[josh@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[Give up.|GiveUp]] <<set $incorrectemail to 0>>

You arrive in Soho Theatre Bar and it's extremely busy. Ah, crowded places. Wouldn't it be awful if these were banned? No, you think, as that concept is utterly absurd! However, wading through these theatre-luvvies is excruciating, especially as you wish you were one of them. You eventually make your way to the bar and wait for Josh Peters to show up. Luckily, this is one of the nights Josh Peters happens to be in Soho! Extremely lucky, as the chances of him being here on any given night is exceedingly low, but one of the shows he produced last year happens to opening this week. If you were savvier you probably could have checked this beforehand and increased the chances of running into him, but luckily it did not matter. [[Go right up to Josh Peters and attempt to schmooze him.|Schmooze]] [[Hope he passes you and spits on your face again.|SpitWait]]

What would you like to do next? <<if $venuesjanuary is "done">>You've already tried applying for a venue this month.<<else>>[[Apply for venues|Venues-January]]<</if>> <<if $producerjanuary is "done">>You've already tried finding a producer this month.<<else>>[[Find a producer for your show|Producer-January]]<</if>> <<if $writejanuary is "done">>You've already tried writing this month.<<else>>[[Work on your show|Write-January]]<</if>> [[End the month|JanuaryEnd]] <<set $skilljanuarychange to $skill - $skilljanuarystart>> <<set $selfconfidencejanuarychange to $selfconfidence - $selfconfidencejanuarystart>> <<set $careerjanuarychange to $careersuccess - $careerjanuarystart>> <<set $mentaljanuarychange to $mentalhealth - $mentaljanuarystart>> <<set $fundsjanuarychange to $funds - $fundsjanuarystart>> <<set $skillturnchange to $skilljanuarychange>> <<set $selfconfidenceturnchange to $selfconfidencejanuarychange>> <<set $careerturnchange to $careerjanuarychange>> <<set $mentalturnchange to $mentaljanuarychange>> <<set $fundsturnchange to $fundsjanuarychange>>

<<set $incorrectemail to $incorrectemail + 1>><<if $incorrectemail eq 1>>Ahhh. A bounce back message. The e-mail address you picked was incorrect. Would you like to try another?<</if>><<if $incorrectemail eq 2>>Another bounce back message. Try another?<</if>><<if $incorrectemail eq 3>>Dang! Incorrect again! Try another?<</if>><<if $incorrectemail eq 4>>You could've sworn that was it! Try another?<</if>><<if $incorrectemail eq 5>>Okay how much longer are you going to do this?<</if>><<if $incorrectemail gte 6>>Suit yourself. I'll be over here when you're done.<</if>> [[joshpeters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[josh.peters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[jpeters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[j.peters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[joshp@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[josh.p@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[jp@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[josh_peters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[j_peters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[jaypizzle@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[joshuapeters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[joshua_peters@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[joshua@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[jpeters1337@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|CorrectEmail]] [[joshywoshy@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[joshingaround@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[jo@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[joshhhhhhhhh@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[j_dawg@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[josh@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk|IncorrectEmail]] [[Give up.|GiveUp]]

<<if $incorrectemail eq 0>>Oh my god. No bounce back message! And on the very first attempt as well. You've been doing this for a while I see.<</if>><<if $incorrectemail gte 1>>My god. No bounce back message! You've done it. You could've given up but your persistence pays off.<</if>> You feel elated that this evening was not wasted and you used your cunning to get you a step up in the industry. OF course, there's no guarantee "jpeters1337" will reply, but at least you've achieved a small victory today. <<set $mentalhealthchange to either(+1, +2)>><<set $selfconfidencechange to either(+3, +4, +5)>><<set $mentalhealth to $mentalhealth + $mentalhealthchange>><<set $selfconfidence to $selfconfidence + $selfconfidencechange>> Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 ($selfconfidencechange) Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 ($mentalhealthchange) [[Wait for a response|January2]]

<<if $incorrectemail eq 0>>You give up? Without even trying one e-mail address? Well what the hell was the point of drafting that e-mail?<</if>><<if $incorrectemail eq 1>>You give up after just one attempt? Did you really just think you would get it in one try? Do you not understand how e-mail addresses work?<</if>><<if $incorrectemail gte 2>>Props for giving up but you could've done it sooner. This was a fools' errand, as there are countless variations of e-mail addresses out there, and I've possibly hindered your chances by only giving you multiple choice.<</if>> Anyway, that was a hideous waste of an evening. Not only have you utterly failed, but it was also boring. <<set $mentalhealthchange to either(-3, -4, -5)>><<set $selfconfidencechange to either(-1, -2)>><<set $mentalhealth to $mentalhealth + $mentalhealthchange>><<set $selfconfidence to $selfconfidence + $selfconfidencechange>> Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 ($selfconfidencechange) Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 ($mentalhealthchange) [[Work on something else|January2]]

It's February 2020.

January is over! One month down, 6 more to go before you're rolling into Edinburgh Waverley station on the earliest and cheapest train possible. Your end-of-month expenses exactly matched your income this month so there are no extra changes to your Edinburgh kitty. Very convenient as I don't have to do any extra complicated coding. Here's your end-of-month status report. Show Status: Show Completion: $showcompletion% Show Quality: $showquality% Producer Secured: $producersecured Venue Secured: $venuesecured Personal Stats: Career Success: $careersuccess (<<if $careerturnchange gt 0>>+$careerturnchange<<else>>$careerturnchange<</if>>) Comedic Skill: $skill (<<if $skillturnchange gt 0>>+$skillturnchange<<else>>$skillturnchange<</if>>) Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 (<<if $selfconfidenceturnchange gt 0>>+$selfconfidenceturnchange<<else>>$selfconfidenceturnchange<</if>>) Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 (<<if $mentalturnchange gt 0>>+$mentalturnchange<<else>>$mentalturnchange<</if>>) Funds: £$funds (<<if $fundsturnchange gt 0>>+$fundsturnchange<<else>>$fundsturnchange<</if>>) [[Cool. Take me on to February|EndOfDemo]]

<<set $oldmaterial to Math.clamp(Math.round($careersuccess * $skill / 50), 5, 80)>> You go over all your old material and find that you have $oldmaterial minutes of stuff in your archives. However, not all of this is usable. You immediately spot some pretty dated material about Avocado Hand, Pokemon Go and Theresa May, which, after reading over again, wasn't even usable at the time. <<set $goodoldmaterial to Math.round($oldmaterial * $skill / 100)>> <<if $goodoldmaterial gt 0>>Due to your skill, only $goodoldmaterial minutes is probably good. What do you want to do? [[I don't care about quality at this point. Shove it all in!|alloldmaterial]] [[I guess quality over quantity. Only keep the good stuff.|goodoldmaterial]]<<else>>Due to your skill, not a single minute of it is actually any good. In fact, it's pure trash. Every single bit of your comedic output thus far has been terrible. What do you want to do? [[I don't care about quality at this point. Shove it all in!|alloldmaterial]] [[I guess quality over quantity. I won't take any of it. Let's do something else|January2]]<</if>>

Are you serious? You want to write new material in January? You're either some kind of comedy machine or an overambitious fool. No comedian does it this way. Everyone knows the best time to write material is on the train up to Edinburgh. Sure, that material will be bad but you need that fear factor. You try to sit down and write and it's a real struggle. The January debuff is real. What funny things happen in January? If only there was some global catastrophe to riff off, but no, it's just cold and miserable. After fifteen minutes of standing in the middle of your flat, miming holding a microphone like an idiot, you get bored and surf Twitter. You see some amazing jokes online and convince yourself "damn, I was just on the verge of thinking of this." You vaguely consider putting a version of that joke in your show; desperate times call for desperate measures. After all, if anyone accuses you of stealing material you could just throw out the "independent invention" defence. You aren't quite there yet, but maybe in August when you're riding the East Coast Rail. [[Keep trying to write!|WriteNew-January2]]

You load up Netflix and decide to throw on a comedy special to remind you what comedy looks like. What do you fancy watching? [[Luke Beansprouts, a mainstream 30-something British comedian, has a new tour show on Netflix.|Russell Beansprouts]] [[Adam Garand's "Disbarred" - an older British comedian in his 50s who was recently cancelled for his inappropriate behaviour to other comics. His Netflix specials are still available online.|Adam Garand]] [[Ali Wong's "Baby Cobra" - An all-round legend and great show.|Ali Wong]]

<<if $selfconfidence gte 50>>You stride straight up to Josh Peters and introduce yourself by only saying your full name. "$fullname." You extend your hand for a handshake, but he just looks a bit confused. Although your extreme confidence is somewhat impressive, it is overpowering and overall offputting. However, Josh Peters is a kind man, and indulges you, shaking your hand and saying his full name back to you. [["I know who you are. I'm interested in having you produce my Edinburgh show."|SchmoozeA]] [["I know who you are. You spat in my face in this very spot not seven months ago."|SchmoozeB]]<</if>><<if $selfconfidence lt 50>>You attempt to confidently stride up to Josh Peters but you're so focused on your opener you don't notice a rucksack on the floor in your path, and you trip, falling into Josh's arms. If this were a romantic comedy, it would be the perfect set-up for a meet-cute, but instead, it's just awkward. However, Josh Peters laughs and shrugs it off and asks for your name. "I'm...$fullname," you barely get out while still struggling to reorganise yourself. He chuckles and extends his hand, introducing himself as a producer. [["Errr...you producer? Me comedian...please...produce me?"|SchmoozeA]] [["Hi...urm...you spat on my face once!! Haha."|SchmoozeB]]<</if>

There's a saying, spit never strikes the same spot twice, despite Josh Peters having a particularly frothy way of speaking. Josh never does spit on you the whole evening. He does, however, accidentally spit in the face of another comedian at your level, Rob Trout, and you seethe with jealousy as you watch this incident take place from six metres away. That was YOUR move. That should be YOUR face covered in Josh's saliva. The comedy industry is unjust. You decide to call it a night and go home, no closer to securing Josh Peters' backing, plus you spent wayyy too much at the overpriced bar. <<set $fundschange to either(-25, -30, -35)>><<set $funds to $funds + $fundschange>>Funds: £$funds (<<= $fundschange > 0 ? "+" : "">>£$fundschange) <<set $mentalchange to either(-2, -3, -4)>><<set $mentalhealth to Math.clamp($mentalhealth + $mentalchange, -100, 100)>>Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 (<<= $mentalchange > 0 ? "+" : "">>$mentalchange) <<set $selfchange to either(-2, -3, -4)>><<set $selfconfidence to Math.clamp($selfconfidence + $selfchange, -100, 100)>>Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 (<<= $selfchange > 0 ? "+" : "">>$selfchange) [[Go home.|January2]]

<<if $careersuccess lte 20>><<set $SchmoozeASuccess to either(0, 1, 2)>><</if>><<if $careersuccess gte 21>><<set $SchmoozeASuccess to either(0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)>><</if>><<if $SchmoozeASuccess gte 2>>''[Roll: $SchmoozeASuccess - Success! You passed a random dice roll.]'' Josh: "Ah you're a comedian? I have heard of you actually. You're quite new right? We're always looking for new people. Tell you what, why don't I give you my contact details and we can get coffee some time?" He hands you his card, with his phone number and his e-mail address, jpeters1337@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk on it. You've made a contact in the industry and you didn't even need to be spat on. <<set $mentalhealth to $mentalhealth - either(3, 4, 5, 6)>><<set $selfconfidence to $selfconfidence - either(1, 2, 3)>><<set $careersuccess to $careersuccess + 6>> Career Success: $careersuccess / 100 Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 [[Go home.|January2]]<</if>><<if $SchmoozeASuccess lt 2>>''[Roll: $SchmoozeASuccess - Failure! You failed a random dice roll.]'' Josh: "Hmm. You're quite new right? I'm sorry. We don't really take on anyone new. Tell you what, why don't you come find me in a couple years when you're more established. You know my contact details." You do not know his contact details. Agh! You were so close. You managed to get face to face with your target but couldn't seal the deal. You leave the bar, dejected. <<set $mentalhealth to $mentalhealth - either(3, 4, 5, 6)>><<set $selfconfidence to $selfconfidence - either(1, 2, 3)>> Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 [[Go home.|January2]]<</if>>

Josh immediately goes red in the face. He remembers the incident very well. Josh: "Oh god. Oh no. I'm sorry, $firstname. Jesus. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" [[You can give me £500.|Josh£500]] [[You can give me £10.|Josh£10]] [[You can produce my Edinburgh show.|JoshProduce]]

<<set $fivehundredpounds to either(0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)>><<if $fivehundredpounds eq 0>>Josh is taken aback. "What? Five hundred pounds...?" He looks around, and maybe this is the simplest solution after all. He takes you aside and pulls up his phone internet banking app. After some exchanging of details, that sweet £500 lands in your bank account. <<set $mentalhealth to $mentalhealth + either(6, 8, 10)>><<set $funds to $funds + 500>><<set $selfconfidence to $selfconfidence + either(5, 6, 8)>> Funds: £$funds Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 [[Go home.|January2]]<</if>><<if $fivehundredpounds gte 1>>Josh is taken aback. "What? Five hundred pounds...?" He looks around...and his face scrunches up. "What are you, some kind of con artist? That's insane. Get the hell out of my sight." It was worth a shot. No one has ever straight up asked for £500 before like that - who's to say it could never work? <<set $mentalhealth to $mentalhealth - either(1, 2, 3)>><<set $selfconfidence to $selfconfidence + either(1, 2, 3)>> Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 [[Go home.|January2]]<</if>>

<<if $careersuccess lte 20>><<set $SchmoozeASuccess to either(0, 1, 2, 3)>><</if>><<if $careersuccess gte 21>><<set $SchmoozeASuccess to either(0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)>><</if>><<if $SchmoozeASuccess gte 1>> Josh: "Ah you're a comedian? I have heard of you actually. You're quite new right?" He stops and thinks back to the time he spat on your face. "You know what, we're always looking for new people. Tell you what, why don't I give you my contact details and we can get coffee some time?" He hands you his card, with his phone number and his e-mail address, jpeters1337@veryfunnyproductions.co.uk on it. You've made a contact in the industry and all you had to do was get spat on. <<set $mentalhealth to $mentalhealth - either(3, 4, 5, 6)>><<set $selfconfidence to $selfconfidence - either(1, 2, 3)>><<set $careersuccess to $careersuccess + 6>> Career Success: $careersuccess / 100 Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 [[Go home.|January2]]<</if>><<if $SchmoozeASuccess lt 1>>Josh: "Hmm. You're quite new right? I'm sorry. We don't really take on anyone new. Tell you what, why don't you come find me in a couple years when you're more established. You know my contact details." You do not know his contact details. Agh! You were so close. You managed to get face to face with your target but couldn't seal the deal. You leave the bar, dejected. <<set $mentalhealth to $mentalhealth - either(3, 4, 5, 6)>><<set $selfconfidence to $selfconfidence - either(1, 2, 3)>> Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 [[Go home.|January2]]<</if>>

Josh is taken aback. "What? Ten pounds?" You watch his face as he is clearly calculating whether this is an acceptable money to spend to just get rid of you. "I guess, whatever." He fishes out a ten pound note from his wallet and hands it to you, then turns away and leaves. This is a win, but it does feel like you've wasted a face-to-face with a respected producer by cashing in for a measly £10. <<set $fundschange to 10>><<set $funds to $funds + $fundschange>>Funds: £$funds (<<= $fundschange > 0 ? "+" : "">>£$fundschange) <<set $mentalchange to either(1, 2)>><<set $mentalhealth to Math.clamp($mentalhealth + $mentalchange, -100, 100)>>Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 (<<= $mentalchange > 0 ? "+" : "">>$mentalchange) <<set $selfchange to either(1, -1, -2)>><<set $selfconfidence to Math.clamp($selfconfidence + $selfchange, -100, 100)>>Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 (<<= $selfchange > 0 ? "+" : "">>$selfchange) [[Go home.|January2]]

You load up "Luke Beansprouts: Magnificent", a fairly unconnected hour of mainstream comedy. It's about as mainstream as you can get, with Beansprouts' opening five minutes all about how ridiculous it is that he, as a single man, has a toaster that has four slots for toast. Filmed in a giant, glamourous theatre where you're not convinced half the audience can hear or even see the act, the audience are lapping up his quirky observations and faux-anger towards this completely innocuous piece of electrical equipment. The opener is rounded off with a highly physical act out pretending to be the individual four pieces of toast popping out of the toaster, which gets a round of applause. What do you think? [[You know what? This isn't bad. It's mainstream but the guy commits a lot.|Mainstream]] [[I cannot stand this. If this what you need to be to achieve mainstream success, I might as well quit now.|Alternative]]

<<if $difficulty is "normal">>Ah, an interesting choice given that you did tour support for this guy and know all his material pretty well. Still, you decide there's something to learn from rewatching his special, but as you sit through a tedious cold-open segment that's far too unnecessarily long, you can't help but think that this guy is now regarded as a terrible person. Even though you didn't know this when you agreed to tour support for him, you still feel somewhat complicit. This troubles you. You know you did nothing wrong, and any comedian would have jumped at the chance. Suddenly, the special is over and you realise you didn't take in a word of it, too busy having an ethical quandry. You are left feeling uneasy.<<set $mentalhealth to $mentalhealth - either(3, 4, 5)>><<set $selfconfidence to $selfconfidence - either(2, 3, 4)>> Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 [[Do something else.|January2]] <<else>>Woah. Are you sure? You know this guy's cancelled right. That's cool, you're in the privacy of your own home - you can watch whatever you damn want. You load it up and watch a few minutes of it, but now his material seems slightly off given the recent scandals. Do you stop watching? [[Oh god yes. It's impossible to disassociate from what he did. Turn it off!|Woke]] [[No way! Comedy is comedy! If it's funny, it's funny! I don't care|Free Speech]]<</if>> <<set $AdamGarand to 1>>

You have a great evening. She invigorates your love for comedy and gives you a basis on how to structure your show. Your brain starts to fill up with all sorts comedic ideas, mostly about what it's like to be a pregnant Asian American woman, so it's not exactly useful for your show. Regardless, you feel lighter and more creative. <<set $mentalhealth to Math.clamp($mentalhealth + either(6, 8, 10), 0, 100)>><<set $selfconfidence to Math.clamp($selfconfidence + either(3, 5 ,7), 0, 100)>><<set $skill to $skill + (5, 10, 15)>> Comedic Skill: $skill Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 [[Do something else.|January2]] <<set $AliWong to 1>>

You shoot off an e-mail. These people usually take about a month to get back. [[Work on other things.|January2]]

You chuck it all in. You feel a sense of hope at how much material you have already, but it's false hope, and you know it. You know this material is dodgy as hell and if this looked anywhere near like your final product, you'd be laughed out of Edinburgh, except there will be no laughs, only the dead of silence as you trawl through an hour of outdated and hack material about the Mannequin challenge. <<set $excellentminutes to $excellentminutes>><<set $goodminutes to $goodminutes + $goodoldmaterial>><<set $badminutes to $badminutes + $oldmaterial - $goodoldmaterial>><<set $showminutes to $goodminutes + $badminutes + $excellentminutes>><<set $showcompletion to $showcompletion + Math.round($showminutes / 60 * 1000) / 10>><<set $showquality to Math.round(($excellentminutes * 1000 + $goodminutes * 2000 / 3 + $badminutes * 1000 / 3) / $showminutes) / 10>> Let's look at the state of your show: Show length: $showminutes Show completed: $showcompletion% Show quality: $showquality% <<if $showcompletion gt 100>><<set $showoverrunning to 1>> Woah there! Steady on. Your show is longer than 60 minutes! Don't you know that if a comedy set lasts longer than exactly an hour, every audience member will internally combust? Not just in your venue, but the entire Fringe! You better cut down. [[Cut down your show.|CutDown]] <<else>> [[Great! Time to do something else.|January2]]<</if>>

You only pick the good stuff and it feels good. Although you could have easily thrown everything in, the show is stronger this way. You can smell that Best Newcomer Award already. <<set $excellentminutes to $excellentminutes>><<set $goodminutes to $goodminutes + $goodoldmaterial>><<set $badminutes to $badminutes>><<set $showminutes to $goodminutes + $badminutes + $excellentminutes>><<set $showcompletion to $showcompletion + Math.round($showminutes / 60 * 1000) / 10>><<set $showquality to Math.round(($excellentminutes * 1000 + $goodminutes * 2000 / 3 + $badminutes * 1000 / 3) / $showminutes) / 10>><<if $showminutes is 0>><<set $showquality to 0>><</if>> Let's look at the state of your show: Show completed: $showcompletion% Show quality: $showquality% <<if $showcompletion gt 100>><<set $showoverrunning to 1>> Woah there! Your show is longer than 60 minutes! Don't you know that if a comedy set lasts longer than the exact hour mark, every audience member will internally combust. Not just in your venue, but the entire Fringe. You better cut down! [[Cut down your show.|CutDown]] <<else>> [[Great! Time to do something else.|January2]]<</if>>

<<set $overminutes to $showminutes - 60>>Your show is overrunning by $overminutes minutes. Time to cut! Your show is broken down into excellent material, good material and bad material and naturally, you would want to axe the bad stuff first. However, this is limited by your comedic skill, and if you can't tell what's funny you might accidentally get rid of some good or even excellent material. Here's how your show currently stands: Show length: $showminutes Excellent minutes: $excellentminutes Good minutes: $goodminutes Bad minutes: $badminutes Now, you sit down and begin the editing process, going through your material that you've read over so many times you don't know what's funny anymore. After several hours slaving away and repeating the same sentences to yourself, you emerge, victorious, with a show that's exactly an hour long. <<set $overminutesbad to Math.round($overminutes * Math.clamp($skill, 0, 100) / 100)>><<set $badminutes to $badminutes - $overminutesbad>><<if $badminutes lt 0>><<set $excessminutesbad to 0 - $badminutes>><<set $badminutes to 0>><<else>><<set $excessminutesbad to 0>><</if>><<set $overminutesgood to Math.round(($overminutes - $overminutesbad) * Math.clamp($skill, 0, 100) / 100)>><<set $goodminutes to $goodminutes - $overminutesgood - $excessminutesbad>><<if $goodminutes lt 0>><<set $excessminutesgood to 0 - $goodminutes>><<set $goodminutes to 0>><<else>><<set $excessminutesgood to 0>><</if>><<set $excellentminutes to $excellentminutes - ($overminutes - $overminutesbad - $overminutesgood - $excessminutesgood)>><<if $excellentminutes lt 0>><<set $excessminutesexcellent to 0 - $excellentminutes>><<set $excellentminutes to 0>><<else>><<set $excessminutesexcellent to 0>><</if>><<set $goodminutes to $goodminutes - $excessminutesexcellent>><<set $showminutes to $excellentminutes + $goodminutes + $badminutes>> Here's how that breaks down: Show length: $showminutes Excellent minutes: $excellentminutes Good minutes: $goodminutes Bad minutes: $badminutes You got rid of <<print($overminutesbad - $excessminutesbad)>> bad minutes, <<print($overminutesgood - $excessminutesgood + $excessminutesexcellent)>> good minutes and <<print($overminutes - $overminutesbad - $overminutesgood - $excessminutesgood - $excessminutesexcellent)>> excellent minutes! [[Great! Time to do something else.|January2]]

You shoot off an e-mail. These people usually take about a month to get back. [[Work on other things.|January2]]

''You have gained the Trait, "Woke".'' You turn off Adam Garand - Disbarred. The experience left you a bit uneasy and frightened by the world, but you feel confident in your values. <<set $mentalhealth to Math.clamp($mentalhealth - either(2, 3, 4), 0, 100)>><<set $selfconfidence to Math.clamp($selfconfidence + either(4, 5 ,6), 0, 100)>> Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 [[Do something else.|January2]] <<set $Woke to 1>>

''You have gained the Trait, "Free Speech".'' You persist and watch the entirety of Adam Garand - Disbarred. You know what, despite everything he has done, you still respect the craft. This gives you new drive: free speech in comedy ultimately must be protected and you'll do everything in your power to champion that. <<set $selfconfidence to Math.clamp($selfconfidence + either(4, 5 ,6), 0, 100)>> Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 [[Do something else.|January2]] <<set $freespeech to 1>>

''You have gained the Trait, "Mainstream".'' You can really appreciate what this man does, even learn from it. And you know what, it IS stupid that your toaster comes with four slots! And who wouldn't be enraged? Even if you don't agree with these opinions, you can see why his material works, and why the audience go with it. After all, isn't that the only important factor when doing comedy? <<set $mentalhealth to Math.clamp($mentalhealth + either(1, 2, 3), 0, 100)>><<set $selfconfidence to Math.clamp($selfconfidence + either(1, 2 ,3), 0, 100)>><<set $skill to $skill + (3, 4, 5)>> Comedic Skill: $skill Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 [[Do something else.|January2]]

''You have gained the Trait, "Alternative".'' There is nothing worse than someone making observations that most people can understand, and Luke Beansprouts is the epitome of pointless comedy that doesn't challenge anything. You promise yourself you will never be that, unless it's some kind of super-ironic schtick going on as if you're subverting the idea of a mainstream comedy. Maybe that's what Beansprouts is doing? Maybe he is the best. Still, watching that special has made you feel worse about your chances in this industry overall. <<set $mentalhealth to Math.clamp($mentalhealth - either(1, 2, 3), 0, 100)>><<set $selfconfidence to Math.clamp($selfconfidence - either(1, 2 ,3), 0, 100)>> Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 [[Do something else.|January2]]

<<set $mentalhealth to 50>> <<set $selfconfidence to 50>> <<set $funds to 1000>> <<set $skill to 50>> <<set $careersuccess to 50>> <<set $mentalhealthchange to either(-3, -4, -5, -6)>><<set $selfconfidencechange to either(-1, -2)>><<set $fundschange to either(+50, +100, +150, +200)>><<set $skillchange to either(2, 4, 6, 8)>><<set $careersuccesschange to either(1, 2, 3, 4)>> <<set $mentalhealth to Math.clamp($mentalhealth + $mentalhealthchange, -100, 100)>><<set $selfconfidence to Math.clamp($selfconfidence + $selfconfidencechange, -100, 100)>><<set $funds to $funds + $fundschange>><<set $careersuccess to $careersuccess + $careersuccesschange>> Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 ($selfconfidencechange) Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 ($mentalhealthchange) Comedic Skill: $skill ($skillchange) Career Success: $careersuccess ($careersuccesschange) Funds: £$funds ($fundschange)

<<set $mentalhealth to 50>> <<set $selfconfidence to 50>> <<set $funds to 1000>> <<set $skill to 50>> <<set $careersuccess to 50>> <<set $mentalchange to either(-3, -4, -5, -6)>><<set $selfchange to either(-1, -2)>><<set $fundschange to either(+50, +100, +150, +200)>><<set $skillchange to either(2, 4, 6, 8)>><<set $careerchange to either(1, 2, 3, 4)>> <<set $mentalhealth to Math.clamp($mentalhealth + $mentalchange, -100, 100)>><<set $selfconfidence to Math.clamp($selfconfidence + $selfchange, -100, 100)>><<set $funds to $funds + $fundschange>><<set $careersuccess to $careersuccess + $careerchange>><<set $skill to $skill + $skillchange>> Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 (<<= $selfchange > 0 ? "+" : "">>$selfchange) Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 (<<= $mentalchange > 0 ? "+" : "">>$mentalchange) Comedic Skill: $skill (<<= $skillchange > 0 ? "+" : "">>$skillchange) Career Success: $careersuccess (<<= $careerchange > 0 ? "+" : "">>$careerchange) Funds: £$funds (<<= $fundschange > 0 ? "+" : "">>$fundschange)

<<set $mentalhealth to 50>> <<set $selfconfidence to 50>> <<set $funds to 1000>> <<set $skill to 50>> <<set $careersuccess to 50>> <<set $mentalchange to either(-3, -4, -5, -6)>><<set $mentalhealth to Math.clamp($mentalhealth + $mentalchange, -100, 100)>>Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 (<<= $mentalchange > 0 ? "+" : "">>$mentalchange) <<set $selfchange to either(-1, -2)>><<set $selfconfidence to Math.clamp($selfconfidence + $selfchange, -100, 100)>>Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 (<<= $selfchange > 0 ? "+" : "">>$selfchange) <<set $fundschange to either(+50, +100, +150, +200)>><<set $funds to $funds + $fundschange>>Funds: £$funds (<<= $fundschange > 0 ? "+" : "">>£$fundschange) <<set $skillchange to either(2, 4, 6, 8)>><<set $skill to $skill + $skillchange>>Comedic Skill: $skill (<<= $skillchange > 0 ? "+" : "">>$skillchange) <<set $careerchange to either(1, 2, 3, 4)>><<set $careersuccess to $careersuccess + $careerchange>>Career Success: $careersuccess (<<= $careerchange > 0 ? "+" : "">>$careerchange)

That's the end of the demo!!! I hope you enjoyed what was a mere preview of the final game. Or, like an Edinburgh preview, you were very forgivingly telling yourself "oh, it's good, for a preview" and "hopefully he'll have it ready by August." What can you expect from the final version? Basically more of the same, except you'll actually get to realise your dream and go to the Fringe itself. Also, fewer bugs. If you enjoyed it please follow me on Twitter at [[@kenchengcomedy.|http://www.twitter.com/kenchengcomedy]]. The Video Games industry lives and dies off of word of mouth so please spread the word. Also there'll be a bucket for your donations on your way out. Usually you would pay, thirty, maybe forty pounds for a game, so if this game is even 0.03% as enjoyable as one of those then my show is worth at least 1p. Thanks for playing!

After a couple hours, you find yourself entering the "unnecessary philosophising" phase of the difficult writing session, as you start asking yourself needless questions instead of actually trying to be funny. "What even is comedy?" You ask yourself, as you lie upside down on your sofa. "Like, what is a joke really? It's just a bunch of words after all. Why do people even laugh at these random strings of words?" Uh-oh. You've become the most annoying comedian of all: an overthinking intellectual. "How did I ever consider myself a comedian? How could anyone? Does humour even exist? Or is it just a made-up concept that every single comedian and audience member pretends exists?" It takes you another hour to snap out of it. Eventually you sit down and do write out some jokes. [[Show me what I've come up with|WriteNew-January4]]

You pace about your home, trying to picture yourself performing at the Edinburgh Fringe and being vaguely comedic to a dead cold audience. Nothing happens, as you squint really hard hoping that a joke will just spontaneously appear from nothing. It hurts your brain! "Arghhhhhhhhhh!" You scream. After all, writer's block is the most painful experience imaginable, more so than childbirth. Regular babies are made all the time, but a funny joke? A rare and special thing, and that requires true strength. You are really brave for doing this. Really really brave. Very few people appreciate the suffering comedians have to go through to just produce one joke. You are a true hero. [[I am. I will power through!|WriteNew-January3]]

The cold-calling Facebook method was a no-go. Still, you have your other options remaining, and after the time you've invested during the Facebook-search extravaganza, the sunk-cost fallacy sets in. You're now more determined than ever to find a producer. [[Type in random e-mail addresses using combinations of "Josh Peters" and "VeryFunnyProductions.co.uk"|JoshPetersEmail]] [[Hang out in Soho Theatre bar in the hopes of being a grateful recipient of his saliva once again|JoshPetersSoho]]

You scroll endlessly through pages and pages of various Josh Peters, frustrated at the ambiguous profile pictures and overly high privacy settings. Josh Peters after all is a very common name, and the Josh Peters you're looking for has a very common face. It's already half-way through you realise that you could have filtered by location, and you've been foolishly looking through all Josh Peters globally. Unlikely that Josh Peters currently residing in Maputo, Mozambique could be the correct one, but you never know. Hours pass. Occasionally there's a glimpse of hope: a Josh Peters with 2 mutual friends. But alas, just the husband of an old secondary school friend. In your delirium you start entertaining the thought that he might also be a comedy producer, and it's worth shooting off a message just in case. You decide not to - he most likely won't bring you the Edinburgh career you're lusting for. Still, very cute baby photos anyway. You've wasted your entire evening, and you feel dejected. <<set $mentalhealth to $mentalhealth - either(1, 2)>> <<set $selfconfidence to $selfconfidence - either(2, 4)>> Self-Confidence: $selfconfidence / 100 Mental Health: $mentalhealth / 100 [[Do something else|January2]]

Here's your writing "haul" for this month's session. <<set $excellentminutes to Math.round($skill * either(1, 2, 3, 4) / 100)>><<set $goodminutes to Math.round($skill * either(2, 4, 6, 8) / 100)>><<set $badminutes to Math.round((100 - $skill) * either(3, 6, 9, 12) / 100)>><<set $showminutes to $goodminutes + $badminutes + $excellentminutes>><<set $showcompletion to $showcompletion + Math.round($showminutes / 60 * 1000) / 10>><<set $showquality to Math.round(($excellentminutes * 1000 + $goodminutes * 2000 / 3 + $badminutes * 1000 / 3) / $showminutes) / 10>> Excellent minutes: $excellentminutes Good minutes: $goodminutes Bad minutes: $badminutes Show length: $showminutes Show completed: $showcompletion% Show quality: $showquality% Not awful for January, this probably places you in the top 1% of Fringe shows already. [[Great! Time to do something else.|January2]]

Elysium Theatres are the créme de la créme of Fringe venues. Unlike some venues in the city that are converted pub basements, Elysium is a cut above: some of the rooms are converted university gym halls. A truly prestigious place to perform. Still, Elysium is the most respected venue chain among industry professionals, having hosted many big stars on their way up. Who can forget the legendary run of Gary Phoenix's 1995 award-winning show, "Crack Me Open", about how his crack addiction led to him reconnecting with his estranged father, an Ambassador to the UN who then went on to solve a crisis in the Middle East, and it was all thanks to crack. Gary Phoenix ended up winning the inaugural Maplin Comedy Award, and some say that if you want a shot at the award (now renamed the Bitcoin Comedy Award), you better be performing at Elysium! [[I want to apply somewhere else.|Venues-January]] [[Sounds like the place for me!|ElysiumApply]]

You Get What You Pay For Venues is part of the Free Fringe, and is run by the eccentric billionaire Billy Tompkins-Blazer, whose motto is that literally any room can be a venue. It is handily summed up by this spicy meme: Comedian: *through sobs* you can't just say everything is a venue Billy Tompkins-Blazer: *points at seagull flying past* venue His rooms leave a lot to be desired, especially by any health code or fire safety inspector. Some rooms, such as "The Grotto", were not originally designed to be occupied by adults, as it was an old Victorian crawl space that could only be accessed by children. Other venues, like "The Foundry", are a literal toilet. However, do not scoff so quickly. These rooms are the only way to make money in the festival. Alice Langley said that despite being a TV comic, performing in The Shadow Forest last year meant she had her first break-even Fringe in 15 years, and that in itself was well worth the long-term damage to her health she suffered from being near black mold for a month. [[I think I want to apply somewhere else.|Venues-January]] [[I will literally perform anywhere!|FreeFringeApply]]

You shoot off an application. These people usually take about a month to get back. [[Work on other things.|January2]]

Before you begin, you must choose your difficulty setting. This will determine your background, available funds and self-confidence, but also your comedic skill and career success to date, which will impact how smoothly the Fringe will go for you. If you are not experienced to the gruelling world of the Festival, I suggest you do not play the harder difficulties. [[Very Easy Difficulty]] [[Normal Difficulty]] [[Hard Difficulty]] [[Extreme Difficulty]]

Hog Bucket Studios are a mid-tier venue chain, whose main selling point is they are half-way between a paid Fringe venue and a free Fringe venue, while having the best of neither. Still, many comedians have opted to go over to Hog Bucket due to lower costs and their delicious nachos. It ends up being a good place for newer acts to do their show without being bogged down in things like excess paperwork, PR or adequately paid staff at hand. [[I want to apply somewhere else.|Venues-January]] [[Sounds like the place for me!|HogBucketApply]]

You shoot off an e-mail. These people usually take about a month to get back. [[Work on other things.|January2]]

Here's another flyer, this time for Jamie Jenkinson's "Terrifed". "Jamie Jenkinson is TERRIFIED. Join Jamie for a whistle-stop tour of all the terrifying things in 2019, as well as his opinions on life, love and the internet. Now reaching his mid-thirties, Jamie is more terrified than ever! All he wants is to have a good time, but the world just seems to get more terrifying! Longlisted for the Jokey Bastard New Act Competition in 2015." [[They may be generic but at least they have producer backing. Sign me up!|ChuckleContact]] [[Can you show me my other options again?|Producer-January]]